I need me some inspiration

If anyone could send me a little inspiration, I'd be grateful. I'm at a point where I know that I'm leaving as does my employer and my staff, handing off my current position and starting another short term one (same organization) for the last 4 months so I know I won't get bored or antsy. But how to avoid the inevitable rush to the end? When you only focus on the event and date in the future and forget to pay attention to what is happening in the meantime, forget to smell the roses, so to speak?

Well there aren't any roses in Sudan, so I need something else to stop and "smell." Any ideas?

There is of course the new position, I could learn to ride a motorbike (was supposed to on Sunday but slept through my lesson...whoops), take up yoga, start running...but all these things take effort and energy is not something I have in plenty at the moment. I need a change of mindset, or an attitude adjustment (which was actually the name of my Granddad's boat, funnily enough!).

Also, today is Simba's interview for his tourist visa to the US. Since Kenya isn't exactly a card carrying member of the visa waiver program. It's insane the hoops he had to jump through. I'm nervous. Cross your fingers for us!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Some announcements are in order:

I have been accepted into a Master's program in Control of Infectious Diseases at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. So July will be my last month in Juba and as of mid-September I will be moving to London! To say I am excited would be a gross, gross understatement.

Starting in about a month until I leave, I will no longer be managing HIV programs, but assessing designing a monitoring and evaluation system for my organization which stretches across multiple health areas with multiple donors.

Pretty sweet! I love monitoring and evaluation, and getting to work in different health areas is a perfect way to end my time here. And it will let me see more of Southern Sudan than I have been able to in the current scope of our activities, so that is a great perk as well.

We are trying to find a way for Simba to come with me to London. This is no easy task considering that he has a Kenyan passport and the developed country immigration gods do not look kindly upon that nationality. But we're working on it.

It's strange to be thinking about leaving. I spent so much time getting used to life here, and now I'm in a groove, but soon will be transitioning out. I am ready to go, that's for sure, but am a little more excited about leaving than I would like to be. If that makes any sense. There's so many things I haven't done yet that I wanted to. Like speak Juba Arabic better, learn to ride a motorcycle, etc etc. But I still have about 5 months in which to do them!

Emma's War Cows

The infamous Commander Deng was back at the camp the other day (remember, the one who called me a Khawaja (white) Queen?), just back from a session of the Legislature. His arrival also coincided with 2 things: me feeling under the weather, and an impromptu leaving 'do for a friend who was going for 2 weeks to the UK skiing in Switzerland. Bastard. Half a dozen or so people in the party were getting fairly toasted for a Tuesday night, and one of the women caught the eye of Commander Deng. She got up and tipsily invited him to dance for a few awkward songs. It was like watching a scene from Emma's War unfold right before my eyes: tall, dark haired young English woman with an SPLA General. Spooky.

Anyways, I left, went back to my room, while Simba had to stay longer in order to close the bar. Commander Deng had requested his presence at his table (the man's requests are really demands), which he did for a few minutes. Simba then took his leave by saying "I am sorry sir, I would really like to stay but I will be thrown out of the house if I do not finish cooking for my Queen."

Seriously, where did I find this guy?

The response he received was: "these Kjawaja Queens are very funny. Not like our Sudanese Queens. In Sudan, our women build our houses up around us, cook for us, give us a good time, and have our children. And here you are cooking for your Queen. Very funny."

Sounds like those women are not having as great a time as Commander Deng is. Maybe I should ask one of his 5 wives or one of his 21 children for their opinion. Or I could take the 180 cows he offered the owner of the camp I stay in exchange for me and find out for myself. NOT.



As an interesting aside, that SPLA General in Emma's War is now the VP of Southern Sudan and I play touch rugby with his son who is lovely. You should read the book. Quite a fascinating look at the Southern Sudan conflict's entanglement with the humanitarian relieft effort in the '80's and '90's.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

Ever since I have arrived back in Juba, everything has meaning. Everything has a sign. Sorry for getting all New-Age-Trippy on you, but some things you just can't ignore. For instance, following seeing an owl while out for walk back in New York over the holidays, driving home from dinner last night with Simba coming face to face with an owl sitting in the middle of a road, only flying away when our vehicle got about 20 feet away. After we got home I tried to figure out what kind of Owl it was. Based on its coloring (grey and white with some black) and size (about a foot high), and compared to the other owls that live in the area of Sudan I am in, there's nothing else it can be except the Northern White-faced Owl.
I also tried to look up some of the different things that the owl represents because in many cultures when animals appear to you in a memorable or unusual way the universe is trying to tell you something. Anyway, it gives me an excuse to reflect :) After some searching on the dear interwebs, Simba thought a passage about awareness of the past and past lives (reincarnation theme) was particularly poignant for him:

For the one beside whom Owl Journeys, there will be an innate understanding of the recurring cycle of Life, Death and Rebirth. Often times the Owl individual will have very intense past-life connections and memories. These will either be subtle nuances that draw them to places and individuals to whom they feel an immediate bond, or the memories of lives previously experienced will be brimming so close to the surface that they will often surface as very vivid dreams and conscious recollections. Equally, it is also quite likely that this same gift for seeing/feeling other lifetimes led will be transmitted to being able to offer insight into the past lives of Others, affording assistance in the understanding of Lessons learned, those still needing learning, and any "karmic" balances left unchecked. This is a fine line however, as the challenge here for the Owl Soul is to not become so engrossed by memories and fascination with lifetimes past that they lose sight of their ~Now,~ for although the past serves as a reminder of where we have previously walked, the soul lessons we have learned and the connections we have made, the focus of the Soul must always be in going forward and embracing with the enthusiasm and trust of an innocent child, the here and ~Now.~

But for me it was a section about expending energy in multiple directions (shape shifting theme) that struck a chord:

With the Owl in particular, shape-shifting ability is closely linked with Lunar Magic since this beautiful creature is sister to the Moon. In observing the phases of the Moon, we witness ever shifting and changing cycles that effect all within the domain of Luna, including the inhale and exhale of the Ocean`s waves. Much like their Animal Totem, those with Owl as an animal ally will shift and transform themselves like the waxing and waning phases of the moon and the ebb and flow of the ocean`s tides. It isn’t so much that their emotions are like shifting, restless sands as that they are always partially attuned to the calls of many different planes and energies. Obviously, if this tendency to be completely open and receptive is not monitored, some measure of protection taken to guard against becoming drained or distracted, such heightened sensitivity can lead to mental, emotional or physical exhaustion. Yet when the delicate balance between grounding and receptivity is found and practiced, the Owl Soul takes flight into a higher form of awareness, intuition and Light.

The decision alone to live and work in Juba meant that I was giving up the ability to have balance in my life as a whole - I knew coming here that work would be the biggest priority and everything else would have to wait. But even with that in mind, I know it is possible to still maintain some sense of calm instead of completely letting the whirlwind of the world blow me around. But this is far from easy, and I certainly don't have the support I need to do that. I was so hurt when my boss told me she believes I sometimes put my personal life over my work when after working 7 days a week for 4 week straight in November and December, I decided to take a much needed break from writing a proposal on a Sunday to spend 3 hours at the pool. Ouch. If taking 3 hours off on a Sunday after working 27 days straight means I'm "putting my personal life over my work life" then so be it. Giving in to Simba being worried that I was too stressed and depressed and not taking care of myself should not lead to that response.

It is obviously not enough that I have been here working my ass off for the past year and four months. Will it ever be enough? I need to be able to set boundaries for myself, stick to them, and be satisfied with the consequences when other people don't agree with them. And I need to decide how to define "enough" for me. Enough with a capital E comes in August when my contract is up. I will not extend, but move on, as I should.

But in the meantime, defining "enough" is easier said than done.

Any suggestions?

Thanksgiving Thankful List #2

It seems so STRANGE that it has been a whole year since my last Thanksgiving Thankful List post - thinking back on the mindset I was in back then vs. where I am now, even before I make my list I know it is going to be quite a bit different. Lately I've been homesick, missing good solid people and places, so to snap out of that funk, this year's list is going to be about what I'm thankful for in Southern Sudan.

1. Air conditioning. As of this month, I have air con in both my home and my office. I am thankful for not having to spend another dry season sweating at my desk, or waking up in the middle of the night with my sheets soaked through due to the 110 degree heat (and no, i'm not exaggerating about the temperature).
2. My Family. I can't say enough, so sometimes it's better to say little. I love you and thank you for putting up with having a daughter in Sudan.
3. Simba. He makes everything better and gives me hope that there is more to life than the narrow minded focus of my work.
4. Music. Since my ipod and external hard drive was stolen last January, I haven't had any more music than the 200 songs on my work computer. But having a piano and a guitar makes me appreciate when I get to hear GOOD music all the more. Not just crap Britney Spears and Rhianna at bars.
5. Technical Assistance. I have been able to convince regional experts (3!) to come to Southern Sudan to help with things that I either cannot do or do not have time to do myself - trainings, research surveys, and marketing. I love specialists. But I also love not being one - for me, it's much better to know a little bit about a lot of things than a lot about one thing.

The list could go on, but these are the ones that are the most prominent.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving :)

Thank you

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who emailed me and sent me support after my post 2 weeks ago - it really meant a lot. I send you hugs from afar and virtual bags of Halloween candy :)

This Friday is a costume party on a "beach" bar on the banks of the Nile. They have sand and fake palm trees and everything. As Halloween is one of my favorite holidays (I never quite left my dress-up box behind...) this should be fantastic! Plus it was at the Halloween party last year (that one was an all-night pool party at USAID) when I agreed to go out with Simba, so I suppose it's technically our one year anniversary (holy CRAP!)!

I've been absolutely buried under work lately - we're quite behind on producing some communications materials which is my responsibility, so I'm trying to push those through, and we have a HUGE proposal due on Friday which would more than double my department's funding, so I'm glued to my computer with budgets and workplans and excel formulas dancing across my eyes.

To keep you entertained until I post again (hopefully on Saturday, depending on how wrecked I am after Friday night), here are a couple pictures of my friends jumping off the bank into the Nile we had from a sunday bbq on an island, and some links to read. The situation in eastern DRC is getting much worse, and here are a couple recent articles explaining the situation. How's that for a juxtaposition: expats acting like children in Sudan, people fleeing fighting in the DRC. The priorities in this life are, well, hypocritical sometimes, but everyone finds a way to justify it.

Ciao ciao,
Petunia

Petunia's Sudan Sickness #4462

Just when I thought I had escaped further sickness for a long while, I have a run in with a a seasonal bug called the Nairobi Fly, also known as the Acid Fly. If this red and black fly lands on your skin and you squash it to kill it, an acid-like substance secretes from its body and causes severe burns in that location. If it stays on your hands and you touch another part of your body it spreads. Here's the Wikipedia post for more info along with pics of the Nairobi Fly and an example of what it does to you:

"The name Nairobi fly is applied to two species of beetle which live in East Africa, Paederus crebinpunctatus and Paederus sabaeus ^[1]. They are species of the rove beetle genus Paederus, and are black and red in colour, and about 6–10 mm long ^[2]. They live in rotting leaves where they lay their eggs. The beetles neither sting nor bite, but their haemolymph contains pederin, a potent toxin which causes blistering. The toxin is released when the beetle is crushed against the skin. People are advised to brush or blow the insect off their skin to prevent irritation ^[1]. Heavy rains, sometimes brought on by El Niño events, provide the conditions for the Nairobi fly to thrive.Outbreaks have occurred in 1998 ^[1] and 2007 ^[3]."

And where has this wonderful little creature chosen to land on me? ON MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!! So I have these patches of swelling, blistering burns on my face, one right next to my left eye, a bigger one on my chin just below the right side of my mouth, and a few smaller ones on my left cheek. It hurts to open my mouth really wide or to smile (because it causes the skin around my eyes to crinkle). There's nothing I can treat this with because if you put ointment or anything on it it spreads. But they tell me to put "bicarbonate" (aka baking soda) on it to neutralize the acid. But a friend just told me to use toothpaste instead because I don't know where I would even start looking for baking soda. So I'm sitting here in my tent writing this blog post with toothpaste on my face. Just thought I'd give you all that mental image :)

Speaking of sicknesses, Simba was also sick once again (couldn't keep down any food for a week) and they made him fly to Nairobi to get it checked out. Turns out he has Malaria AND Hepatitis A. There seems to be never-ending concoctions of nasty things to get here. So Simba will be in Nairobi for a whole month. Hep A is the one that is transmitted through contaminated food/water, and it affects your liver. His eyes were a bit yellow when he left. He has to drink 5 litres of water a day, and not eat any fatty foods or drink alcohol for 3 months. Talk about a weight loss plan. I thought my India weight loss plan was pretty good, but this one is going to be nuts!

In order to stay well and healthy you need to drink lots of water, eat lots of fruits and veggies, take your multi vitami daily, and DON'T MOVE TO SUDAN :)

Honorable Deng

This weekend has started out like all weekends should - wine and friends Friday night and sleeping in Saturday morning. Luckily Sweet Simba was there to rescue me this morning with scrambled eggs. Now we're both in my tent and I'm explaining to him what a blog is, how it works and who it is for. His conclusion is that I just have too much time on my hands. As if. He keeps saying he is going to write one and I think he should, because with his imagination it would be fantastic. And he's cranky because there are no pictures of the two of us up here - so here you go.

One of the drawbacks of living in my particular tented camp is that the guys that run the place (well not run it, but own it) have business "meetings" in the main mess area. These visits generally include one way conversations where we sit there and get lectured, and TONS of wine/scotch/beer. Doesn't matter what time of day.The people that come run the gambit from South African investors who speak with such a strong Afrikaans accent that it is virtually impossible to understand them, to English business men looking for a piece of the action here in Southern Sudan, to SPLA Generals.

So one day I was eating dinner, which is at the mess area where everyone sits at one long table. A rather large Sudanese gentlemen sitting diagonally across from me was here for a "meeting" and working his way through the second half of a bottle of gin with a woman who looks to be around 17 or 18 sitting by his side. He introduced himself to me by saying, "Everyone knows me as Commander Deng. But you can call me...Honorable Deng." Turns out Honorable/Commander Deng was one of the senior rebel commanders during the war and is now a General, an MP in the Legislative Assembly, chair of the Security Committee, head of the SPLM caucus, basically a seriously powerful man.

After that he proceeded to lecture my friend and I on the fact that in his view, the thing that is seriously contributing to the downfall of Sudan is the fact that women don't ask permission when they go out and men are not as much in control as before/during the war. Nevermind all the horrible things happening in the country. This is obviously cause for alarm and action.

Therefore it is not surprising that a couple weeks ago the Commissioner of Yei County made a proclamation that women were no longer allowed to wear pants in public and supported its "enforcement." So bands of men, including civilians, policemen and soldiers were roaming around Yei in vigilante groups beating the ever loving bejeezus out of women found wearing pants. They even forced some of the ones found "disobeying the law" (although even if there was a law it would be diffult to verify because they don't have a way of publishing laws here) to sweep Freedom Square (the main square in Yei) in their knickers.

So back to our Honorable/Commander Deng. On another occasion when he was here for another "meeting" but not drinking this time, he proceeds to call my other friend a "Sudanese Queen" and me a "Khawaja Queen" and state, "Do you know how many wives I have? 6 and a half." AND A HALF! Turns out him, all his wives, and his 18 children live together in ONE HOUSE in Rumbek, and he is trying to get his young plaything who was with him the night we met to marry him. This guy is probably in his late 50's now. Gross.

who can throw a stick closest to that big stone over there

so i've been stuck in this horrible downward spiral of guilt - i haven't posted, so i need to post something, but it has to be really big and worthwhile, but i don't know what to write, so i haven't posted, etc. so here's my attempt at pulling myself up out of that ridiculousness.

it's April already, and i've been in Sudan awhile now, and have settled into the pace of things. unfortunately that pace includes being sick about once a month (this time it's tonsilitis, or strep throat, they can't do a throat culture here so they're just treating it with antibiotics anyway), going to the same 4 or 5 bars with the same group of people every weekend, and still not having a permanent place to live. although that was promised in November. however, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and i am moving into a house this weekend, as soon as they put screens in and locks on the door. there are trees in the "courtyard" (i'm trying to make the fact that we have to have a 10' high wall around the compound seem a bit more appealing), and my room is painted bright aqua! i don't have pictures yet, because my camera, ipod and external hard drive were all stolen from the other place i am staying by the weekend guards (my roomates had stuff stolen as well - we narrowed it down to a 6-hour time slot), but when i get a new one or borrow someone else's this blog will be graced by photos once again.

things with the boy are still going really really well, and it's time to bestow on him a code name for this blog since, as you may have noticed, i don't use people's normal names very often. from here on out, his Petunia in Paradise name will now be Simba. Simba means "lion" in Swahili. for those of you who know him (or have heard me talk about him) in real life, it will become instantly clear why i chose this name.

anyway, simba and i went to pemba, mozambique for my R&R, which was which was absolutely amazing, incredible, relaxing, gorgeous, etc etc etc. had a hard time leaving. the week was perfect. we stayed at a campsite in our own chalet, rented a motorbike for the week, cooked fish, sat on the beach, got drunk on the beach off of liquor made from sugar cane (we never actually figured out what it was) by playing the riveting game of "who can throw a stick closest to that big stone over there". good times. seriously, it was amazing.

work is going well, i'm much more confident about things now, and my department is growing from 9 people to 15 people as of next week. very exciting!!!! and more travel coming up - Mundri in 2 weeks, Yei the week after that, and probably Yambio in the near future as well.

and to close, i will leave you with my favorite moment of the day: Sudan's version of an ice cream truck - a man peddling a rickety old bicycle with a dusty orange water cooler strapped to the handle bars, neon plastic flowers tied to the handle, playing "santa claus is coming to town" from a doorbell he keeps pressing which is attached to a speaker.

always something to brighten up the day :)

typhoid schmyphoid

So I flew to Nairobi on Saturday because I had been sick for a few days and it wasn't getting better with Amoxicilin.

I have been dating someone, and he took fabulous care of me while I was sick. Brought me food, brought me back to the clinic, stayed with me until my fever broke, drove me to the airport. There are good guys in the world after all!

Oh yeah, and I tested positive for typhoid on a rapid test kit. Whoopsies! But no worries, I went to a hospital here in Nairobi, they did tests on my blood and other bodily fluids which I will not mention here, and the typhoid was not enough for them to diagnose me, but it was a pretty nasty viral infection. So I'm souped up on Cipro and feeling fine now. And the moral of the story? Go to the clinic the FIRST time I get sick (remember, back in October?) instead of self-diagnosing and self-medicating and having the same thing come back a month later. Duh.

So I'm in Nairobi for the next week, until I fly back to the states on the 20th. I'm staying with a colleague of mine that works in our Nairobi office, and I have to say it was really nice to recuperate in a place with a down comforter and a bathtub.

OH and remember the guy twirling the 6-foot baton up the road in Juba from a couple weeks ago? I forgot to mention that I saw him again twirling his baton on World AIDS Day. Turns out he is the leader of a brass marching band that played that day. I almost fell over when I saw that. Sometimes there is order to the universe and things do make sense - they're just not revealed to us initially.